I grew up sharing a room with my older brother. That was quite a move up from where our mom came from, who said that she shared a room with multiple family members in a similarly sized apartment in Poland.  She didn’t have a choice as she lived with six siblings, two parents and two grandparents.

In the US, houses have gotten larger while families have gotten smaller. Yet, having kids around is one of the main reasons, either directly or indirectly, that parents have sex less often.

The indirect part could be fatigue, post-partum depression, distraction, and a host of other causes.

The direct reasons might be a sick child that needs the parents’ attention, a newborn in the same room, or a sudden hunger cry just at the wrong time.

Studies that address the effects on parents’ intimacy before and after having kids are concerning. Look for Lawrence, E., Rothman, A. D., Cobb, R. J., Rothman, M. T., & Bradbury, T. N. (2008). “Marital satisfaction across the transition to parenthood.” Journal of Family Psychology, 22(1), 41-50 at your own peril. You have been warned.

My wife and I firmly believe that in order to take loving care of our children, we have to take loving care of each other first. Just as we are told to put on an oxygen mask on our face before assisting others (i.e. our children), we have to make sure our marriage is doing well before solely focusing on those who depend on us.

How to put an oxygen mask on your marriage when you have a newborn:

• New parents: Don’t feel like you have to keep your newborn in your bedroom for long. I think my wife and I were on one extreme end of the spectrum when we put our daughter into her own room after about two weeks. If that sounds too frightening, consider placing the baby away from you, when he or she is sound asleep, when you plan to be intimate with each other.

Baby sounds are cute, but not when you are trying to get fresh with each other.

• I have known parents who let their newborns and even toddlers sleep with them each night. I hope to not offend anyone by advising against that. There might be some psychological reasons, but in most cases, parents simply let it happen. Kids won’t know their boundaries unless you show them.
• Husbands, be patient with your wife’s healing and readiness after having given birth. Wives, offer to take care of him even if you are not ready for sex yet. Most men would trade countless of diaper changes or midnight feedings for a quick favor or two.

As the kids get older:

• When they are young, enforce a bedtime that is hours before yours (if your schedule allows) and lock your door!
• Teach them about privacy early on.
• Don’t make sex an awkward topic at home. Your children should feel confident knowing that their parents are still madly in love. As they get older and they understand that mom and dad are not “wrestling,” you might need to get more creative.
  For example, drown out background noise by turning on a bathroom fan or wait until bedtime to turn on the dryer.
• Doctors say sleep is important. Sex might be more important at times. So, either make plans together to wake up in the middle of the night to have some fun. Or surprise your partner with a friendly 2 am wake-up call. Just be ready to be in charge of the kids the following morning.

Raising children should be a challenging blessing. When times are hard, remember that you and your spouse need to be there for each other, inside and outside the bedroom.